Heavenly Thoughts

I recently watched an old movie, well, ok, maybe 1989 is not old to some! Richard Dreyfuss and Holly Hunter start in Always, a film about a firefighter pilot and his love interest. If you don’t want to know the outcome…read no further!

Alas, the character Richard Dreyfuss plays (Pete) ends up unintentionally sacrificing himself to save a buddy flying with an engine on fire. Pete’s not quite ready to leave earth though.

At one point, Pete makes a statement that I’ve been replaying over and over in my head. Whether these are the exact words or not, they’re the words behind all my reflecting, “The only pain you feel in heaven is the pain from the love you held back on earth.”

Hmmm. Is that theologically sound? I took an independent study in seminary and wrote a paper on heave. Pretty presumptuous, I know. It’s not like I’ve been there yet. But I think we get glimpses of heaven here on earth. I’ve had some interesting experiences that make me wonder. The Scottish/Irish in me resonates with the Celtic understanding of “thin places”…places where the veil between the physical and spiritual seems particularly thin. I’ve heard of first-person accounts of out-of-body experiences while undergoing surgery. I’ve heard some interesting stories from folks. Life and death and the transition between life and death are touched by mystery.

I can’t help but think of Revelation 21.1-4, “Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

“There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain…” …well, ok, that seems to answer my question, “Is Pete’s statement theologically sound?” Or does it? I don’t want to sound heretical, if I can help it. I admit, I believe things will be different in heaven. But I also believe how we live our life now makes a difference. Not that we “earn” our way to heaven, but I agree with many Christian authors who talk about our lives here on earth as a sort of training for heaven.

Here’s the rub. If you’ve experienced pain in this life, you want to believe that there will be no more pain in heaven. But what if we give up loving to our fullest potential while we wait for the other side of this life and death? Are there consequences? Do we continue to keep growing in heaven? Is that growth affected by how we grow and love in this life?

I guess that’s what intrigues me about Pete’s statement. What do we hold back from God? What love do we hold back from others? What if we intentionally sacrificed our egos (not in an unhealthy, codependent way) and earnestly tried (with help from the Spirit of God) to love more fully than ever before? What if we worked to be as spiritually and emotionally and relationally healthy as we can be…even if it caused us temporary discomfort? What would be the consequences of that?

Just some thoughts…

I got an email this morning that ticked me off. Maybe I got up on the wrong side of the bed. Everyone has the right to their own opinions. But I had previously asked to not be included on the type of emails this particular couple liked to send out to a mass distribution list.

Their email was from an article Pat Buchanan wrote. In the article, Buchanan writes (I won’t repeat the entire article):

“Barack says we need to have a conversation about race in America. Fair enough. But this time, it has to be a two-way conversation. White America needs to be heard from, not just lectured to... This time, the Silent Majority needs to have its convictions, grievances and demands heard. And among them are these:

First, America has been the best country on earth for black folks.

Second, no people anywhere has done more to lift up blacks than white Americans.

We hear the grievances (from blacks). Where is the gratitude???

Is white America really responsible for the fact that the crime and incarceration rates for African-Americans are seven times those of white America? Is it really white America's fault that illegitimacy in the African-American community has hit 70 percent and the black dropout rate from high schools in some cities has reached 50 percent? Is that the fault of white America or, first and foremost, a failure of the black community itself?”

Now, I’m not saying that the African American community has no responsibility to set healthy expectations for themselves. They do. We all do. But the tenor of the article, combined with the hateful rhetoric that has been spewing out of the media lately was finally too much. Instead of hitting the delete button as I so often do, I hit the reply all button. This is what I had to say:

Wow, talk about denial and ignorance. People should be grateful for being torn from their families, physically abused, sexually abused, taught they are not human, enslaved for generations, training them to be dogs, teaching them dependency, and creating systems to keep them “in their place”. Yeah, they have a lot to be grateful for. Yeah, right.

But in spite of all this, in spite of the horrific history we have as Americans treating some ethnic people (i.e. Native American, African American) as less than human, there is a lot that is great about America. To forget the past makes us vulnerable to repeating it. I would suggest that people read the book by Howard Zinn, A People’s History of the United States.

There are a lot of people who are grateful for being an American. The human spirit can overcome anything with God’s help. But we can’t ignore what our country has done to marginalize people here.

Buchanan wants to talk about being Christian? He needs to read his Bible. Take a look at the theme the Prophets repeat over and over. Don’t be oppressive. Have compassion on the marginalized. Jesus started his public ministry with these words, straight from Isaiah,

"The Spirit of the Lord is on me,

because he has anointed me

to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners

and recovery of sight for the blind,

to release the oppressed,

to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."

For those of you who don’t know the significance of this passage, let me tell you. The “year of the Lord’s favor” refers to the Hebrew Jubilee year (every 50th year). You can look it up, but it was a time when the playing field was leveled. Those in debt were given a “pass” card. Their debts were forgiven. It was a means in which every 50 years equality took a huge leap forward. The marginalized were helped. That pleases God.

Do we always like it when it means we, the “majority” who have the most power, have to give up some of what we’ve got? No. But if Buchanan insists on talking about being a Christian, then he better get his facts straight. Being a Christian means you want to follow Jesus, you want to please God. In fact, you want to grow in your relationship with Jesus so much that you want to show that you love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength (that means ALL---your body, your time, your money, etc) in ways that please God.

And what does the Lord require of us? There were people who thought of themselves as the true “religious” people in the prophet Isaiah’s day. But their outward appearances --- talking about how religious they were, public displays of fasting, etc. didn’t match with the hardness of their hearts. What does God say to them (and us) through the prophet Isaiah?

6 "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:

to loose the chains of injustice

and untie the cords of the yoke,

to set the oppressed free

and break every yoke?

7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry

and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—

when you see the naked, to clothe him,

and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn,

and your healing will quickly appear;

then your righteousness will go before you,

and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;

you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,

with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry

and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,

then your light will rise in the darkness,

and your night will become like the noonday.

11 The LORD will guide you always;

he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land

and will strengthen your frame.

You will be like a well-watered garden,

like a spring whose waters never fail.

12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins

and will raise up the age-old foundations;

you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,

Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

Buchanan better take a hard, long look at what the Bible says pleases God, if he wants to call himself a Christian and wants to make our country even greater. Does he love our country and God so much that he will do what God says?

Afterword:

The saying “walk in my shoes” is important to me. God led me to an experience of this nine years ago. I literally walked (and drove) with a group of Native Americans for 3 ½ months across America. I saw what it was like being a white woman in the midst of a group of Indians. I saw the way they were treated compared to how I was treated when we were out in the public. I heard stories of pain and oppression. And I heard stories of triumph and the beauty of the human spirit. I saw a deep love of this land we call America. I pray that we, as a nation, will repent of the hatred and prejudice that so infects this great nation. I pray that we will do as the prophets of old said…do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, spend ourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed. We can’t do that if we don’t really understand oppression…the seeds of it and the systemic institutions that support it. We are all guilty. We are all sinners. But God is full of grace and mercy. Thanks be to God!

Love: A Lasting Legacy

I've attended three memorial services in the last couple of weeks. Two were held at my church, Overlake Park Presbyterian: one for a former pastor of the church and one for a member. One was a Native American ceremony held outside in West Seattle for a woman I called "Aunt Ginnie". The services in Bellevue were very different from the memorial in West Seattle, and yet there were also very important commonalities.

In all cases, family and friends were present to honor and to grieve the loss of a loved one. Stories were told. There was laughter and there were sighs of sorrow. And there was the ever present food. What’s a gathering without food? The food reminds us that we are alive. We eat to live.

But the memorial services remind me that we live to love. That’s our lasting legacy…the love we have shown and experience with others. I thank God, the source of love, that Love is eternal.

Each of these three people knew Jesus, the ultimate revelation of Love. They are whole now. Aunt Ginnie was blind, but now she sees. Several years ago she was facing major heart surgery and in her frail condition, we didn’t know how she would make it. When I visited her several days before surgery, she shared a vision with me. She saw herself walking with Jesus on green hills, covered with white daisies on a beautiful blue sky day. She had a peace about the surgery. Later, words came to me to be sung to the tune of Amazing Grace, one of her favorite songs. I sang this to her the morning of her surgery:

Someday I’ll walk the hills of green

Adorned with daisies white

And underneath the sky of blue

Jesus walks by my side.

All three of these people are with Christ Jesus now living in that Eternal Love. May we all be filled with Christ’s healing love.

Wisdom from Qohelet

I’m loving this spring season. As I type up these thoughts of mine this morning, I’m glancing out my window into my backyard. It’s full of trees and ferns…part of what remains of the greenbelt around the perimeter of the residential housing area in which we live. I love the contrast of the bright green leaves and dark brown trunks after a good rain. I have a couple of vines I planted last year that are taking off. One had seemed to die last year (the one on the right), but it’s making a great comeback this spring.

But while I’m loving this spring season, I’m also thinking about another kind of season. Qohelet, the Teacher from the book of Ecclesiastes, (Qohelet literally means “she who calls, she who assembles”) tells us there are many seasons…a time for everything. In chapter three Qohelet says:

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Springtime reminds me of the time to be born. But then in the same line, I’m reminded there is a time to die. That’s harder to think about. It’s so nice to sit here and gaze outside (or better yet, go outside) and enjoy the beauty and new life. I could just sit and soak in the enjoyment. Not so with the thoughts of aging and dying.

My mother’s health has been declining. She’s in the winter season of her life. That’s not something on which I like to dwell. But it’s part of the natural rhythm of life. Qohelet, in chapter 12, reminds me of this natural aging process:

“Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say, "I find no pleasure in them"- before the sun and the light and the moon and the stars grow dark, and the clouds return after the rain; when the keepers of the house tremble, and the strong men stoop, when the grinders cease because they are few, and those looking through the windows grow dim…” The last verse is a picture of aging. Keepers are our arms, the strong men are our legs, grinders are our teeth and those looking through the windows are our eyes.

My mom doesn’t have much money. She lives on social security, which puts her around a thousand dollars over the poverty line. My siblings and I help out, but she still watches her pennies. She lived through the Great Depression and she does know how to be frugal. I love her ways of giving. She and I share a love of suduko puzzles. So she writes me a note about once a month and sends me sudukos she has clipped from newspapers. What has struck me lately is the change in her penmanship. Her writing has always been so good. It’s shaky now. She's becoming the picture Qohelet is describing.

Qohelet reminds us all that no matter what, no matter in which season we find ourselves, there is still joy to be had. Even in the midst of our circumstances, our limitations, our aging, we can be realistic about what we have to endure and still experience life as a gift and rejoice in it. My mom still finds joy, which makes me glad. And I cherish the time I still have with her and the rest of my family.

So as Qohelet would tell us, savor each day. Find joy in the moments of your life. Hug your family.

Filling Our Children's Love Tanks, Part 6

(This is the sixth post of the articles that had been written for a church newsletter and posted here by request.)

This month we look at the last of the five love languages in our series based on the book by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, The Five Love Languages of Children. We’ve looked at the first four Love Languages, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, and Gifts. We now come to our last “love language”. I hope this has been thought provoking and helpful to you. Although our goals in looking at these love languages is to help us better relate to our children and better fill our child’s “Love Tank” (their pool of emotional strength) --- as you may have noticed, the general principles are also applicable for adults!

The last love language is “Acts of Service”. As you know – parenting itself – is a service-oriented vocation. The authors point out that when you have a child “you enrolled for full-time service”. Your contract calls for a minimum of eighteen years of service with an understanding that you would be on ‘active reserve’ for several years after that.”

Acts of service are those things we do for our children that they are not able to do, but they are also things we may choose to do for them on occasion that they are capable of doing. It depends on the age of the child. We cook for them, but a time comes when a loving act of service is to teach them how to cook. I have an adult son who comes over to the house for a haircut every few weeks. I’ve taught him to cook different things and he does a good job in the house he lives with his roommates. However, when he comes home, it’s an act of loving service for me to cut his hair and perhaps cook one of his favorite dishes, clam chowder. The acts of service shout, “I love you.”

Children learn from example and the acts of service our children see us do will help to teach them to move away from a life of self-focus to live a life that includes service for others. Our acts of service can become a model for our children’s sense of responsibility. We all have unique abilities and interests, so we should be careful not to force our children to be replicas of us, or worse (as the authors say) fulfill the dreams we never accomplished for ourselves. We want to give our children opportunities to experience different kinds of service so that they can develop their own skills and follow their own interests.

Chapman and Campbell remind us that the ultimate purpose of acts of service to children is “to help them emerge as mature adults who are able to give love to others through acts of service. This includes not only being helpful to cherished loved ones, but also serving persons who are in no way able to return or repay the kindnesses. I’ve seen this in our families here at OPPC...through the feeding the homeless program, the scouts service projects and the help that is given in our different programs.

A warning in doing acts of service for your child – be careful to never how conditional love. God’s unconditional love for us is our example. So when parents provide acts of service for their children only when they are pleased by the child’s behavior, those acts of service are revealing conditional love, not the unconditional love that God gives to us. The authors tell us, “Acts of service that are genuine expressions of love will communicate on an emotional level to most children. However, if service is your child’s primary love language, your acts of service will communicate most deeply that you love Johnny or Julie. When that child asks you to fix a bicycle or mend a doll’s dress, he or she does not merely want to get a task done; your child is crying for emotional love. If your child’s primary love language is acts of service, this does not mean that you must jump at every request. It does mean that you should be extremely sensitive to those requests and recognize that our response till either help fill the child’s love tank or else puncture the tank. Each request calls for a thoughtful, loving response.”

Blessings to you as you seek to understand your child’s love language and fill your child’s emotional tank with the fuel of love!

Filling Our Children's Love Tanks, Part 5

This month we continue our series based on the book by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, The Five Love Languages of Children. We’ve looked at the first three Love Languages, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. Our goal in looking at these love languages remains the same: to understand how using these love languages can be a way in which we can help fill our child’s “Love Tank” – their pool of emotional strength.

Now, you may think I skipped the series last month so that this month’s Love Language would fall in December. Not so. However, it is very appropriate! Love Language #4 is --- you guessed it --- Gifts! We all know that the giving and receiving of gifts can be a wonderful expression of love. This month we celebrate the greatest expression of love and the greatest gift of all --- Jesus, God’s Son.

The authors share the example of a family with two girls. After the parents return from a trip, bearing gifts, one daughter is much more excited about the gifts than the other daughter. But on the other hand, one daughter wants to hear more about the trip. To the first daughter, the gifts were an expression of love that helped fill her “love tank”. For the second daughter, the conversation about the trip was quality time that helped fill her “love tank”.

The English word “gift” comes from the Greek word charis, which means “grace or underserved gift”. It is an expression of love and is freely given. It is not a payment. If we have a child whose Love Language is “Gifts”, then we need to be careful that we do not mistake a “payment” or “reward” as a gift that will fill their love tank. If we offer a gift for cleaning their room, take out the trash, wash the dishes, etc., that is not a true “gift”. It is a payment. And we need to be careful that we don’t give gifts as a substitute for the other love languages.

Think about what it’s like for a child to unwrap a present. It makes the gift even more fun and special. We can take little things, big things, a necessity or a luxury and wrap them for our children. Wrap them in unusual and creative ways. Give your undivided attention to your child as they unwrap their present. I remember times at Christmas when we would hand out only one gift at a time, so that everyone could see and ooh and aah over the child and their treasure.

Gifts do not have to be purchased to be genuine expressions of love. In our consumer crazy culture, we can get sucked into thinking bigger, more expensive is better. My youngest son, when he was small, was fascinated by unusual stones. He loved it when I found a heart shaped stone and gave it to him.

In this Christmas time, we might think “Gifts” is the Love Language of all children. We all (the children and we big kids at heart) do like to receive gifts. But for the child whose love language is Gifts, receiving a gift is love’s loudest voice. These children will make a special place in their room for their gift to display it. They will make a big deal of it, because it holds a special place in their hearts. Seeing the gift reminds them that they are loved. Gifts are more than material objects. They are tangible expressions of love. That is why it is especially traumatic if the gifts are broken or misplaced.

There is a place in all of us that appreciates and responds to a gift given out of pure love. This Christmas, let’s reflect on the greatest gift of all and how we are loved with such pure grace.

Blessings to you as you fill your child’s emotional tank with the fuel of love!

Filling Our Children's Love Tanks, Part 4

This month we continue our series based on the book by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, The Five Love Languages of Children. We’ve looked at the first two Love Language, Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. We now look at the third Love Language, Quality Time. Our goal in looking at these love languages remains the same: to understand how this might be a way in which we can help fill our child’s “Love Tank” – their pool of emotional strength.

The authors start this chapter with a story of a mother trying to get her work done around the house and a persist child wanting her attention. The mother wonders, “What’s a mother to do? Is it possible to love a child and still get my work done?” The answer is YES! The authors point out that, “when a child’s love tank is empty and attention is the only thing that will fill it, that child will go to almost any length to get what she/he needs….even negative attention seems better than no attention to the child.”

Quality time is not just being in the same room/proximity with your child. It’s more than just coaching your child’s soccer team or other group activity. Quality time is focused attention….giving your child your undivided attention. The authors teach us that the most important factor in quality time is not the event itself, not the going out to somewhere other than home…new surroundings…new experiences, but just the fact that you are doing something together.

Quality Time can require sacrifice of time for busy parents. As the authors say, “It’s easier to give Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation than Quality Time.” As the children grow up their needs for Quality Time can easily be at odds with the parents needs and demands on their times. But making the time – the undivided time – for your child is an incredibly powerful gift that keeps on giving. It will make your child feel truly loved.

This undivided attention is good for all children, regardless of their “Love Language.” It helps balance the outside influences of the world upon our children. They receive many messages from media and peers. They need to receive the message of love through undivided attention from their parents. One of the details of giving Quality Time is eye contact. As people in the caring professions know, eye contact is a powerful communication tool. Lovingly looking into your child’s eyes is a empowering way to convey a sense of love for your child – a love that fuels their Love Tank.

But Quality Time is not just about doing things together…it’s also about getting to know one another more. It’s about developing that emotional intimacy between you. Gary and I are “empty nesters”. So we’ve found that we need to be intentional about getting together to talk and continue the deepening of our relationships. We use meals, playing golf, even cutting my youngest son’s hair (at least I know I’ll see my son every two or three weeks when he comes for his hair cut J ) as opportunities to talk and share. For us, a golf game lends itself to “golf talk”, but also more…what’s going on in the other’s life…what are their thoughts and feelings. Look for age appropriate ways to connect with your child.

The authors suggest that bedtime can be an effective time to connect with younger children, since there are fewer distractions. Reading them stories and asking what they think/feel about the story and/or characters is a great way to help them learn to process their thoughts and feelings as they get older and provides a great way of sharing Quality Time.

I remember taking a road trip with my youngest son. Just the two of us were driving down to Wichita to see family. It was such a wonderful trip because of all the talking we were able to do. Some people plan “dates” with their children to give them that undivided attention. The authors make a great suggestion – work with your child to schedule and plan some time together. You can always change your plans, but the act of planning will help teach you child how to schedule their own time and will show how important the time you share with them is. Here’s your challenge: In the next two weeks, sit down with each child and plan some age appropriate, undivided attention, Quality Time. Let them know you are excited to share that time with them because you love them.

Blessings to you as you fill your child’s emotional tank with the fuel of love!